Relapse
Starting Over, Again
I’ve heard relapse begins when I “start stopping” recovery behaviors. Daily recovery behaviors include planning and committing my food, praying, meditating, striving to live a spiritual life, practicing the Step principles in everything I do, being honest, and doing service.
Picture a large brick wall. Each brick represents a specific recovery behavior. I did not know I was headed for relapse the first time I decided to stop doing, even for one day, any of the actions that helped me stay abstinent. I removed a brick with each action I did not do and told myself, “I am okay because my food is in order.” I removed a brick with each behavior I added that was not part of my recovery plan but insisted, “I am okay because my food is in order.”
I did not know I was headed for relapse when months later, I decided not to call my food into a temporary sponsor while mine was on vacation. A brick came out of the wall for each day I did not make that call. The wall began to sway, but “I am okay because my food is in order.”
I did not know I was headed for relapse when I held onto a resentment. I removed another brick each day I didn’t discuss it with my sponsor or look for my part in it. The wall began to sway and weaken, but “I am okay because my food is in order.”
I did not know I was headed for relapse when embarrassment kept me from weighing and measuring my food at a class reunion. Another brick came out of the wall, but “I am okay because my food is in order.”
I did not know I was headed for relapse when I thought “justified” anger was okay because I was right and had failed to look at my part in the situation. But “I am okay because my food is in order.”
The wall eventually collapsed, and I was in relapse.
A brick comes out each time I make a decision on my own about my food; miss a day of prayer or meditation; miss an opportunity to do service or Twelve-Step someone; become selfish, self-centered, or fearful; and don’t ask for God’s help as the Big Book says we must live a spiritual way of life.
Today I take relapse signs seriously. Keeping the bricks in the wall with God’s help has kept me abstinent for 19 continuous years through the grace of God and all of you.
— Lifeline, Sept/Oct 2011